So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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