Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
