last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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