i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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