I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
