There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
