I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
