i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
