bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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