Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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