You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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