remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize