I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
