Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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