My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
