she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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