Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
