i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
