actually, I'm a sock model
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
