to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
