Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
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