Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
my liver is dry heaving
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
