she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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