lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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