I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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