If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
