I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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