Where did you get a picture of my penis
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Randomize
