i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
