So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
