dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
