Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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