his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize