He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
