He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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