i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We just shotgunned beers for America
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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