fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize