I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
BRING THE BAGELS
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
