Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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