Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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