You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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