I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
