saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
