I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
