If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You need a sexual gate keeper
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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