no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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