Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
