How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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