i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
