Dude my mom stole all your condoms
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
