Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
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