Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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