My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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