I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
50% drunk capacity currently
Send help, water and tortillas.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
