the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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