bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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