I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
