the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
