He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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