it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just invented taco cereal.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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